In my loose series of Pre-Parental Advice, imposed without request:
Number 2: POO!
I don't get people who spend a few hundred on a dog, knowing that they'll be retrieving its poop off the ground, all warm and sticky, reeking in their plastic-wrapped hand. For twelve years. Before the little creature eats it himself. This I have seen, and it haunts me.
What the hell people? At least cats have some shame!
How wonderful are these animals? I've seen other people's dogs, and sure, they seem really nice. But the ones my family got a few years ago were all insane, frenetic little creatures. Giant rodents. They lost battles of wits with craneflies.
|The dumbest insects on any planet.|
That would have driven me mad, to commit to that.
I've mucked out a few sheep barns, and among the many unskilled jobs I have held, cleaning hospital rooms was one of the worst. More on that later. I am not afraid of poop, in any way. I have done my time shovelling, wiping, and pitchforking shit for good and all, if there's any way I can get out of it.
But I did clean my son's ass for three years. I was his anal hygienist, and I am proud to say I kept him pretty damned squeaky the whole time. I wanted that outcome more than I wanted to completely avoid the sight, the smell, and the feel of poop. It would have been a fair trade.
But ladies and gentlemen, I tell you, you don't have to make that choice. I had it all.
The Ninja Parent's Guide to Poop
|First off, this is wrong.|
Like all the Ninja Arts, Stealth Diapering takes courage, a steady hand, and the use of your neglected senses. Poop is an assault to the eyes, nose, and very much an offense to the touch. Your senses are your weakness, and were you merely a common parent, you would betray them and live in pungent ignominy. But you will not be them, you will become ninja.
You must close off all those senses, and rely on memory and hearing alone.
First, determine if your child is packing. This becomes tricky if you are alone. Find a mate, or neighbour, or neighbouring child. Hold your breath with a relaxed smile, and hand your child over, watching carefully for any change in expression. A frown, raised eyebrows, or best of all a nose wrinkling up gives you the go-ahead. Don't use a dog for this. Trust me. When in doubt, change anyway.
|Yes, you caught that right away, didn't you?|
Open a container of wet-wipes, lay out a fresh diaper, and any creme or ointment or powder* you prefer.
Put the wet wipe on the diaper, and the baby, still safely containing the payload, on the wipe.
Undo the diaper--CAREFULLY! Do NOT open it! Hold your breath. The clock is ticking now.
|Practice holding your breath daily to prevent brain damage during this manoeuvre.|
The Tricky Part: Boys Only
Grab the little guy (or victim) by the legs with one hand and lift a little. With the other hand, grab the diaper in front and behind, way behind, and pinch it, using it to get right into that little crack of doom. Squeeze and wipe up and forward firmly. Pull away. There's always a lot of clean diaper in back, if you belted them up firmly in the first place. Use it.
Do not open that diaper as you go. Keep your eyes on the baby's face.
Smile as you turn blue. Baby likes that.
|Steady! Don't laugh back, or you'll blow the whole job.|
There should be no debris, but DO NOT look at the wipe. Check your boy now. Clean as a whistle. Hold the diaper slightly open and toss the wipe in. One more wipe if you wish, and if you aren't going to pass out. Close the diaper, fold it up tight, re-tape it. Use duct tape if you have it.
|Can't go wrong this way.|
Breathe in. You are ninja now.
Prepare the baby for the new diaper, and close firmly.
This is why I will never post about my child's poop, unlike the rest of the parents on the Internet.
I never saw it. You don't need to hear about it.
Let's keep the Internet Poop-Free, if we possibly can.
**I did not develop a technique for girls. Please ONLY use this on boys. If anyone knows that secret I will link to you. If it's in any way amusing.