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Thursday, September 27, 2012

Week 4. The Sacrifice: You Shall Not Pass


WARNING: I am drawing the line, and there is some harsh language and some hard truths in this post. Some of your "friends" are going to get what they deserve. They aren't really anyone's friends.



I have had it up to HERE with you, Cheese! You stink, you're sticky and greasy and you gum up my throat, you have enough salt in you to cure a ham and you're fat, Fat, FAT!

 
  
Beer, you were never my friend, you were my attempt to fit in and make social events easier. You knew there was nothing real between us--you were my rebound drink from red wine, which was too pretentious and expensive to take to parties. You were cheap and easy to leave behind, in your handy bottles. You went with snacks, that's all I ever saw in you. Yes, even you, Guinness. Trendy and traditional, sure you taste better than lager, but you can step off now.

  
Snacks, you were always in my face. I would never have sought you out, you were just there.
I didn't even choose you, others did. I haven't bought snacks for myself for years, and back then it was always childish stuff; salt and sugar, nothing more.

 
Candy--I can't even look at you. I know you've been trying to kill me every chance you get.
You vicious bastard.



Veggies and dip kick all your asses for flavour, and hummus or avocados are just as indulgent but exotic and less trashy. Those I can make myself--they don't come from some lowest-common-denominator factory floor where five flavours fit the world. There's self-respect in what I make; it's for me alone. An apple or a grapefruit tastes like heaven compared to you chemical creations.



  
Soft-drinks, my parents never let you in, and you barely know me. But screw you, anyway.
You should be served out of a test-tube with a toxic warning label.
How does anyone put up with you?
  
I'm tired of feeling like a bloated parade float or beef-jerky the day after I've partied with all of you. I lose sleep and can't breathe through my nose and salt collects on my eyelids. I can't see until I've rinsed my face. It's no way to live. My body hates you all and suffers every time I let you in.

And I gain weight. It's not enough that you screw me up for a day or two, you leave your shit behind for good. I have to work it back off. That's too much. You don't taste even close to worth all that. "A moment on the lips" is right. My treacherous tongue knows better, and it doesn't drive me. Ever other part of me rebels when I give in to it.

This next week, and beyond, none of you will get in. No, not even you, red wine.




I know, I know, you have "resveratrol" and were called a health drink (taken in moderation).
But you've been exposed as the cheat you are; only non-alcoholic red wine has any effect on blood pressure.
Nice try. I'll go with that, or with grape juice, pomegranate or nothing.

None Shall Pass, this is my promise. Don't even try it, you lowlifes. Real Food only. 

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PS Psst! Guinness and Red Wine -- call me. We'll do Xmas. 




21 comments:

  1. Real Food only! That is a great motto!

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  2.  Thank you.

    Now how the heck did this post slip out of draft and get published a day early?
    Must finish now!

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  3. Love it!!!! Pish is making a serious impact on the beer industry with all of us quoting!

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  4. Wishing you good thoughts and stuff.  I totally need to kick my own ass and get back to it.

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  5. Oh CRAP! It's DINNER AT MY MOM'S TOMORROW! 


    Took about a minute after posting for my Greatest Challenge to appear. Dang.

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  6. Loved this.  You are absolutely right on every call here.  Good for you!!  I'm going to make the switch to real foods only soon.  I want to now, but I need to plan better because I rely on some fake, processed foods for convenience sake.  I need to get past that but you totally inspire me!!

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  7. Oh man.. that list is so long. I'd toss out candy and snacks and keep the beer and wine. But you've inspired me. 

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  8. Pansies and SunflowersSeptember 28, 2012 at 5:35 PM

    That's telling 'em!

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  9. I didn't know that about wine... I am now a little more depressed. I can no longer use that excuse to get buzzed. Great...

    Awesome job on kicking those friends to the curb - the assholes. I hope you do well on this next week and that by Christmas it will be all in moderation. Moderate those f*cks. They deserve it.

    Good job and good luck!

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  10. So awesome! It surprises me that soft drinks don't come with a warning label... you are spot-on there.

    I am constantly in shock that I gave up beer months ago (during Pish's last challenge). Whenever I "special occasion" it now, I feel so bloated. Amazing I didn't notice that when I had my own freaking brewery in my house.

    Good luck this week... looks like you're well on your way to success.

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  11. This was great, I loved it!  And you can do this!!  It's not easy to give up all of that stuff, but it is the healthy and good thing to do for you body.  I wish you well and look forward to hearing about your success!

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  12. Hahahahahah awesome. None shall pass. Not even if they know the secret password!

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  13.  Thanks! Alcohol does a whole number on me, and I look forward to getting totally away from it for a while. The others are a bit easier for me.

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  14.  Thanks, Dalrie. I plan to avoid temptation as much as possible, since it's hard to stay angry like this for very long.

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  15. Thanks so much. If you can do just these for a couple of months, then you're halfway to the easiest weight loss ever. I will share my Incredible Secret later, particularly if I can get it going for myself again. Cheers.

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  16.  It's a bit of work. Cook lots of decent saucy things and keep alternating leftovers in the freezer. More info to come.

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  17.  So do I. This weekend was a struggle, but overall I think I won. Sending you a kick to get you going.

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  18.  Did it once before for six months. Amazing results. There's more to it, though.

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  19.  Thanks, Pish! This challenge is an excellent way to stay on track.

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