Friday, October 23, 2009

Beard of Evil

Why I grew my beard again,  after swearing I wouldn't:
  1. It's something only older men can grow. I am mistaken for a man 12 years younger by anyone who doesn't know me. That's nice, but some guys think I'm younger than that because I don't butt heads and I do over-think things. The beard will be a reminder that I am an old Dad and possibly not stupid. Since apparently I seem to be. It turns out that earning respect in general is tough. Plus it takes quite a long time. Beard takes three months, tops. 
  2. Lord of The Rings. The Beardfest of our time. They can look good -- there were hundreds of decent beards in that.

    Why My Beard is Evil:

    1. It makes my strong, slightly dimpled chin invisible and hides the corruption of my body and soul as seen on my face.
    2. It lies to me about how much clearance my head has from my shoulders. It lets me forget about restricting my diet. It draws a line and drop-shadows my head even if I have no neck.
    3. It makes me look lazy and old. Maybe neurotic and I am told, somehow dishonest.
    4. Without it I look younger and possibly sane. 
    5. Chicks don't hate a beard, but I become invisible again to them. It's only been a few years of since I was finally noticeable. You know it when it happens, and it's a real ego boost. 
    6. My son, who was 4, never comments on people's appearances, but told me at the time that I looked like a grandfather. And he doesn't have a grandfather, and hasn't met one, so he means the REALLY old people in his story books. Like Gepetto, or Uncle Henry or someone older.
    7. It itches. Holy crap, all the time. I'm losing sleep.
    8. It smells, and not just like whatever I have eaten, but like,... like old newspapers and decayed carpeting; it's like having a condemned building under your nose. 
    I cannot stand this any further -- I am done with this thing.
    Later: Whoo, what a relief. Smooth as whale-shit on an ice-flow.
    ...where's my chin now?!!

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